I don't even have anything to say, I just can't sleep and thought maybe If I talked to myself a bit on the internet that might help, since I really need to sleep, since I have a german test tomorrow, and I need the whole good morning to study for it, since I failed to bring myself to do that tonight, and becuase right up untill friday I have to write two 2000 word philosophy essays due friday, and then have a speech exam again on saturday, and so all of this needs sleep and rest and to have slept when sleep was neccessary.

God.

I think also I'm supprised I'm writing on here for a third time. It must mean it's working. I thought as well it's about figuring out myself more, and mapping myself out a bit more.

I was thinking about how I never do anything without neccessity behind it. Given free time, I hardly do anything but sleep, or lye around and think thoughts, or go on the internet (which, seperate from the other two is not strictly becuase I want to, but becuase it's like a kind of mind-sucking trap thing I find it so hard to just turn off and walk away from ,especially becuase it's right there, on a laptop, under my bed). About school work, and how I honestly have to stay up to 4am on the morning something is due to get it done. I don't have any desire at all to do it, and so I construct this mad construct where it's the day it's due, and I am dead tired, and then so this, only this, creates enough motivation to get something done -- it's due in a few hours, and you're dead tired and want to sleep so bad -- do the assignment and then you can. It doesn't make locial sense, it doesn't, and even when you know it doesn't make logical sense, when you could just have it done two weeks before and have it done, it doesn't happen. Why? It does mean you've got such an aversion to it, right? I mean, if I liked what I had to do, I probably would have had it done earlier. Last year I did somethings earlier. And I think it's coz I guess they were genuinely intresting. But not anything I'm doing now, an mostly not what I've had to do any other time either. Same with anything else and neccessity. Driver's licence? Don't need it. so I've never even got my learners. Not a suffiecient want at all. Mostly everyone else got thier learners, at least, especially by now, but I haven't. Dentist too is another I've just come aware of myself. I have to get a root canal at the end of the month, and now, only now is that sufficient motivation to start motivating myself to brush and floss twice daily (before that it's been sporadic). Mainly becuase I know my teeth are crappy to start with, I have plenty of fillings, and as I'm aware I may not have so much money as mmy parents do in the future, I won't just be able to keep paying for expensive (expensive!) dental treatments. Therefore, it becomes a neccessity to look after my teeth from now on.

But it's silly like that. But it's the way it is. I've tried to change how it is, but I can't. My head is so muddled, the battle so extreme, I can't manage it. I can stand still for minutes internally telling myself to go brush my teeth, logically everything's there, it makes total and utter sense to go do it, but after minutes of inertia, I just go and sit down and go on the internet, and have the back of my mind worry about it, and think that I should have gone and brushed my teeth. absurd! At times like that, I just want to smash my laptop, throw it out the window, be free. But I don't know if that would help. Dostoyevsky would call it 'human', knowing logically everything points to brushing one's teeth, yet having a very logical person reject this, go sit down and worry to themselves over and over again that they should get up and go to the bathroom, pick up the toothbrush and start, while all the time never doing this. it's absurd. And this is not to condone it, it's to try understand it more and more (although I'll admitt I'm not getting very far) and try and fix it. But it's tough, and weird. I don't know what it is. I feel like if I just got out of home and out of the country and onto my own a little better it would all work out, but I'm not sure, I'm not sure. Anyway I was thinking the same about writing. Everything is so much the same. About how I never write, becuase I don't need to. I don't. I can consider it, and then go to sleep, not do it, even if all lgical paths point to it. which is just how I work. no 'neccessity construct'. it's all so weird.

I've been watching Bukowski interview clips on youtube, and he talks about when you go out, and you can't, you can't bare the idea of a 9-5 job, and so you go out and you take 24 out of 24 hours of the day to yourself, and it means you starve, but it also means by neccessity, becuase you're refusing to pick up a 9-5 have the family over for birthdays and christmas go to the pub after work on a friday lifestyle, you've got to write, and write well, publishably well, or you'll die. It's the only weird fucked up profession out there (or one of the few) where you can live like that. If you reject so much of that other stuff, or you can't bare it, you don't think you could live it even for a second, if you'd go crazy, then writing's what's there. and it becomes neccessity. I'm thinking I'd really like to try that. Not that it even might work. Just the idea of trying it, that's the sort of thing I want to do in my life. try things. to be able to go do that, just somewhere else, somewhere far away from here, find a tiny appartment somewhere and starve. it's mad. My only reservation of course is that I may end up finding more in the starving than in the writing, and give myself over to wasting away, because I've always (and ever increassingly so) had a thing for that. Brothers Karamazov is making me think about it alot, with so many monastic scenes going on, there's alot of fasting. It's like the final rejection of material pleasures. I think I wouldn't mind being a monk sometimes. I think it'd be very difficult, but I think solid as. Then agian of course, what is a monk ,and does one need to go into a monastary to be one, and are there things outside monastaries that are even more monastic than those inside. Didn't Kerouac embrace many monkish qualities? Oh, I don't know where I'm going with this. It makes me think of Kafka's 'A Hunger Artist' too, which was absolutely beautiful (Kafka is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!) anf which I had no idea what it was about but it was about a man fasting. and he died. there was more too it than that as well. OH, I just want to leave here. I hate university. I've got to say it to myself. I'm not learning a thing. But then we must say, in 4 weeks timester 1 teaching will be over, the majority at least if not all of 100 level 1st year will be over, and 200 level possibly will be better, and I shall keep my hopes up for that. I've just trailed off looking up random things on the internet, maybe there is so much more to say, but I think I'm tired enough now and possibly will be able to get some sleep. Oh, there are so many more things to talk about, and at the same time they are all such a waste of time. I also need to reply to few emails, or, more than a few...